For Your Info(mercial)

Infomercials are right up there with football games when it comes to my choice of most dreaded television programming.

Blah blah blah blah blah with bright lights and endings that never seem to arrive.


Both are punctuated by annoying, overly opinionated commentators, and I find both so irritatingly boring that I am physically unable to watch either without flipping my bitch switch-- which subsequently results in the channel being switched too.

But, there’s always that one exception to the rule, right?

The exception to my TV viewing standards was not made for football. (Nor does football even have the remotest chance of ever being able to capture my fickle attention. Sorry football. Well… (just because sometimes I like being argumentative, even when it’s with myself,) the ONLY exception I can think of for this scenario would be if I was married to Tom Brady. If it was MY hot husband out there, I could probably be interested in what he was doing out there, and maybe even interested enough to learn what the dumb game is even about? But, seeing as he recently got hitched to Gisele, whom seems as cool as she is gorgeous— I don’t foresee that scenario playing out anytime soon.) Instead, the TV bain-of-my-existence that finally melted through my cold, cold heart was the infomercial featuring the smart-alec charm of the guy showcasing the mystifying and possibly magical absorbency of the ShamWow! (I mean, it was made in Germany, so you pretty much know it HAS to be good, right? Because- like, all things from Germany have a certain level of intrinsic clout; ah-bviously you’ve heard of, um, Pretzels, before? How ‘bout Hitler? Indeed, both serve as excellent examples of Germany’s contributions to society, and these days the ShamWow gets to haughtily join their ranks.)


Anyway, maybe because it has damn near mystical powers, or maybe because it’s only about 30 seconds long—by the time I’d seen that commercial for the 100th time I was ready to order, and let’s just say that ShamWows make great stocking stuffers… especially for people you hope will be doing some cleaning for you in the near future.



Even though I was convinced that I wanted to buy a bunch of ShamWows, I still felt like a big loser as I punched my credit card information into the computer. I realized I was experiencing another milestone of adulthood—I was now a person who bought things from infomercials.


(So, this is totally NOT where I had intended this post to go when I started writing, but works out nicely— because now— I have fodder for another related post, where hopefully I’ll be brave enough to relay the story of the time I was caught in a web of QVC trickery and spent almost two hours mesmerized by the “before and after” images created by beauty products only witchdoctors deep in the rainforest could concoct, or something. Guess you’ll just have to wait and see about that one…)



In light of cutting down everyday household waste, a ShamWow is a freaking amazing invention. And, sorry —I'm assuming everyone knows what a ShamWow is, but in case you don't, here;s the ShamWow 411: It's like a mutant freak of a paper towel. It's small, soft and pliable, soaks up liquids like a wet dream, and is sturdy enough to go through the washing machine. In fact, it is purported to be strong enough to last for 10 years, and comes with a warranty to prove it. Truly, with a gaurentee like that, the capabilities of a ShamWow would be a terrible thing to waste.


I'm a person that reuses my ziploc bags until they fall apart, just to cut down on the trash I generate. Being able to reuse one thing over and over for the span of 10 years, and significantly reduce the paper used for cleaning and drying purposes, is amazing! No more big, bulky packages of paper towels, I've got my ShamWow. It will have me saying "WOW!" everytime. I'm sure my family members will really appreciate my noisy enthusiasm, especially if it involves cleaning.



Now, ShamWow guy, can you please put in a suggestion to the German powers that be? Help the world cut out even more paper consumption — please get to work developing reusable toilet paper? A possible product name, just off the top of my head to help with the endeavor (your welcome, Germany): ShamPoo!

"That's what HE said..."

I feel like this is cheating somehow since I didn’t write it…

But as people who do bad things are known to do-- I am trying to make myself feel better about doing something that makes me feel guilty, by coming up with justifications of why I should proceed with the questionable act...

Yes, I'm arguing with myself (yet again), that since the following would be enjoyable and relevant for you to read (and really, it's all about YOU, dear reader. Q: Why would I ever want to withhold the good stuff from YOU? A: I wouldn't!), and I’m not trying to play it off like I wrote this, it’s a good thing for me to share my awesome findings with you?

It’s like recycling other people’s creativity! Yes... that soothes my conscious and makes me feel ok about this...

So, today on this blog I discovered called "CheapHealthyGood," there is a whole list of “eco” quotes from the quirkiest of kooks on NBC's "The Office." Please enjoy the following list of the best Dwight Schrute-isms (which I cherry-picked for you), followed by it's eco-relevance:

DWIGHT SAYS: “Michael always says ‘K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.”

DWIGHT MEANS: Fresh, simple ingredients are the best way to a cheap, healthy meal.In other words, eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, dabs of dairy, healthy fats and lean meats are the building blocks of delicious dinners and happy digestive systems. In the long run, they cost less and taste better than pre-packaged stuff, too. (and probably have less bugs and mouse parts in them...?)

DWIGHT SAYS: “My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm ... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.”

DWIGHT MEANS: Buy local.Not only does it support neighborhood farmers (who need security to keep randy kids away), but food that’s shipped from nearby tastes better, is better for you, and is easier on the environment. See here for more.

DWIGHT SAYS: “Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years, which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique; it's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.”

DWIGHT MEANS: Save leftovers, or suffer the terrible consequences.Whether it’s excess mashed potatoes or those last two slices of pizza, try to pack your extras away. It’ll keep your portion size down, make a delicious office meal the next day, and put your lunch money back where it belongs – in your pocket.DWIGHT SAYS: "Oh you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."

DWIGHT SAYS: “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” (This is my favorite, hilarious yet insightful.)

DWIGHT MEANS: Find a food anti-idol.Imagine your most extravagant friend. You know, the high roller - the one that doesn’t think twice about his finances. For what does he dole out the most dough? If he’s anything like my big-spender buds, it’s food. Learn from his bad example and try to use good judgment when buying groceries, ordering out, or settling down for a restaurant meal.

DWIGHT SAYS: [to Toby's daughter] “Hello, tiny one. YOU ARE THE FUTURE!”

DWIGHT MEANS: Teach your children well. When it comes to eating and budgeting, kids learn largely from the examples set by their parents. Whether it’s having dinner together or serving more vegetables, changing a bad habit or starting a few good ones will benefit them for life.

(In the spirit of things, just"recycling" a cutie dog picture I found.)