Top 10 Things NOT to Recycle

WE are recycled. (Yeah, I’m still on this whole Charles Darwin kick.)

Nothing about the genealogy of any of us is unique, and we are all just made of bits and pieces of our ancestors- with the people amongst today being comprised of the best traits our ancestors had to offer. (according to Darwin’s theory, anyway.) Plagues, wars, plate-tectonics, and god knows what else- obviously somehow our ancestors lived through whatever horrible things happened during their lifetimes, or else we wouldn’t be here.

So. Yea, recycling is a very good thing. However, when recycling is so thoroughly ingrained into our beings, is there anytime when, dare I say it… recycling is not recommended...?

Kelly Green’s Top Ten List of Things NOT to Recycle:

1. Your friends’ boyfriends.

Come on – respect this number one rule of girl law! I’m not saying anymore more about this.

2. Tampons.

(Maybe, I can just simplify this and say anything entering/exiting your body or involving bodily fluids, should explicitly not be reused amongst people? This blanket statement could cover a bunch of pertinent stuff, like syringes, condoms, thongs, newborns, and yes- even tampons, and boyfriends.

3. Jokes.

I’m kind of on the fence about this one. I think it’s hella funny to interject humorous movie quotes and punch lines, as long as your audience generally understands that what you’re saying is not original. There was this one kid in high-school who used to always say “funny” things in conversation, only to get called out seconds later. “You totally just stole that line from Chris Rock’s stand-up.” He would sheepishly shrug and acquiesce, but the damage had been done. The seed of doubt had been planted in everyone’s minds about the validity of this kid’s jokes, and then he couldn’t get a prom date and ten years later he goes to the movies by himself. (For real, saw him there, had the awkward 30-second catch up convo where he verified he was there by his lonesome. On a Friday night.) See the correlation?

Don’t let this happen to you, kids. It’s not ok to steal jokes, but it is ok to “borrow” them. Example: [insert any line from a “Flight of the Conchords” song here]

4. Names.
Again with the stipulations. In the Jewish religion, you are not supposed to name a baby after anyone one who is still alive, as the superstition is it this would take away the person’s soul. (Or something equally bad like that.)

I agree with this idea- if you want to name your children after your dearly departed, that’s fine, but it’s weird when there are five people in a family all with the same exact name. (Sorry numerous “Johns” I love, but it is annoying!)

Case in point:

Ring ring. (in case you’re unfamiliar, that is the sound of a land-line telephone.)
“Hello?”
“Hi, can I please speak to John?”
“Um, which one?”
“John Green?”
“Ok, but which one?”

Having multiple people with the same name leads to frequent, frustrating “Who is on first” type of conversations. Parents, please get a little more creative in this department?*

*I think the current trends almost bode well for me, with “Apples”, “Seraphinas”, and “Paxs” running around, it seems parents are now trying to be as outlandish and deranged hippie-like as possible when it comes to naming their children. This is also kind of annoying in itself, but in a completely different way. And, bless Octo Mom's heart, she now has opportunity aplenty to name babies to her heart's content.

On a final note about this topic- do Apple's parents really think that the little fruit of their loins is going to be thankful for her name when she’s an adult?

5. Voice messages.
It is super lame if you always leave the same exact voice message on people’s answering systems.

You know the types.

“Hi Kelly, it’s Boring calling. It’s 6:30pm on Tuesday, Feb 10th, please call me back.”

When I see missed calls from people that I know are serial offenders of this, it makes me even less inclined than usual to listen to their voice-messages. Why waste my time going through the hassle of checking my voicemail when I can look at my “missed call” log and learn in 2 seconds exactly everything the message would have told me?

6. Food that has gone bad.
There’s a fine line between when bananas are over-ripe and perfect for baking, and when they’re nasty brown mush that are only fit to throw out. I hate hate hate wasting food, but it’s bad for your health to try and make edible dishes out of food that’s prime has expired. Use your freezer, use your common sense, use your imagination, and this never has to happen. Take care of the food while it’s good, because no one should eat your spoiled, moldy old groceries, no matter what concoctions you transform them into.

7. Cliches.
Cliches are stupid, which is why my “Top Ten” list ends here. ☺
This is also telling, as aside from these listed 7 things, there are no limits on what can be reused, recycled, and reborn.

My contribution to Darwin...

Today would have been Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday. (And coincidentally, also Abraham Lincoln’s.)

In celebration and recognition of Darwin’s b-day, on the radio this morning they were talking all about him and his contributions to science with the whole “survival of the fittest” theory.

They had an expert on evolution on, who was sharing interesting “survival of the fittest” anecdotes. For instance,did you know that different colored swans have different colored lice living on them, so that the swans are unable to see the lice on each other and nip them off? True story- even the smallest creatures in the “swamp niche” [radio guy’s words, not mine] have evolved themselves in order to survive and prosper. (Even lice can live the American Dream!)

Upon hearing this, my brain naturally started spinning in a million different directions with all of the implications of Darwin’s findings. Evolution. Survival. Adaptability. Looking hot... hey, looking hot is really what “natural selection” is all about.

The whole “survival of the fittest,” and “natural selection” ideas all really come down to one thing- why different species choose whom (or what, depending on the species?) they mate with. The best-looking members are the ones most likely to be selected by the opposite sex to mate with. Why? Because the physical appearance of something subconsciously and instantly alerts to the health and vitality of the being in question.

**This is one of my favorite games, so I love that I can interject it real fast in here to prove my point!**

Would you rather… have Zac Efron or Harrison Ford, father your children?

Both are handsome, charming, and more than capable of providing for you and your brood. Chances are though, you’d probably pick Zac because you instinctively know that he is younger, and therefore more fertile and virile.

Would you rather… have kids with someone who had lost both legs in a car accident, or had been born with Downs Syndrome?

Both obviously have handi-caps that would need to be dealt with daily, for the remainder of their (and your) lives. But, you’d probably pick the amputee, because subconsciously the appearance of the person with Downs Syndrome is alerting you to the fact that there is something wrong with their genes, and their genes would not be the best to pass along to your children. The person who lost their legs would be the better choice, as there was not something congenitally wrong with them and that would bode the best for your children between the two choices.

Amy Winehouse, or Taylor Swift?

Without either one of them even opening their mouths, you can tell just by looking that Amy Winehouse is a hot-mess, whereas Taylor Swift looks healthy and clean.

For animals, that generally have much shorter life-spans than humans, I totally buy the idea of survival of the fittest, with the “fittest” pairing off and reproducing as soon as physically possible. When the length of life is so unpredictable, they undoubtedly feel a burning drive to reproduce, and get their offspring out into the world as soon as they can. For humans though, arguably the most evolved life form on the planet, I think it works the opposite.

Nature is so elegant, and everything evolves so perfectly it’s scary. As the human race progresses, those major fertility indicators, such as appearance, can be more and more controlled. Whereas the condition of human hair and teeth used to speak volumes about a person’s well-being and health, these attributes can all be controlled and contrived now. The appearance of youth, femininity (i.e. big boobs), hair color, thickness of eye-lashes, even odor, can be manipulated to confuse and trick the opposite sex’s senses. Because of this, I think that the idea of human “natural selection” has flip-flopped from that of animals.

My sister and her best-friend have an ongoing joke about this, that every crack-head they know is getting engaged (much to their single chagrin).

They’re right though. It seems like the crappiest people keep pairing off, two by two, while the quality people remain single. (Of course there are exceptions to this, please don’t be offended if you’re one of lucky, normal ones that found true love at a young age.)Are humans going through the opposite process of animals’ natural selection, where those with the less than desirable genes take themselves out of the pool early (and settle), so that those with the good genes, who are pickier and smarter, wait until they meet people who are worthwhile to procreate with?
I think, yes.

Case study 1: Heidi Ho

Unfortunately for me, I used to be a manager at Abercrombie & Fitch. The then 22 year old manager, (let’s call her Heidi Ho- and off to work she LOVED to go), was one of the biggest whores I’ve ever encountered. She’d try with moderate degrees of success to seduce our 17 year old employees, would stay at work after the mall had closed in order to get gang-banged in the near-by Hollister, and could not go one day without running into at least one person she had “known” (but whose name she could not necessarily remember) in the biblical sense. At the time, it was amusing to hear her tail tales in a morbid/sordid/outrageous, can’t-help-but-look-at the-car-accident way kind of way.

And then she got engaged. To her super hot, super nice boyfriend. WTF?!

This was a few years ago, and I honestly hadn’t thought about this girl in ages. Until... my sister and I were in A&F the other day during my search for the perfect pair of baggy and distressed boyfriend jeans, my sister started doing her thang and chatting up everyone around her. It just so happened that the new store manager was the one ringing us up, and since my sister of course brought up the fact that we both used to work there (yeah, total nepotism- I hired her, and then subsequently fired her about a month later. In my bedroom, very professional I know, because we had gotten into a fight about something so stupid I can't even remember what it was. Probably went down something like this, “You’re such a bitch!” “Yeah, well, you’re fired!” In hindsight, I wish I had the sass to incorporate the appropriate Donald Trump hand gesture right there.) , and that’s when the name dropping began.

“Did you know so-and-so?” Heidi Ho’s name quickly came up, and we were informed that she had apparently just left A&F for an assistant managerial position with Wal-Mart. And she was engaged, again. To another guy!

Case Study 2: Abbie Sara Stephens (Yup, her initials were ASS, regardless of how you prefer to arrange initials. Ironic, ain't it?)

This girl, literally, was a crack-head. She woke up, rolled out of bed and rolled a joint. She'd smoke it, go to class, do some coke instead of lunch, go home, and then drink until she passed out. And oh yeah, slept with every dude that crossed her path. This went on for a few years until her parents put her in rehab. When she got out, she was better, in the sense that she wasn’t sticking needles in between her toes and getting them stuck there anymore, but she was still smoking herbs and doing lots of dudes. Her one boyfriend broke up with her, because he hacked into her computer, and on the web-cam caught her having sex with a group of multi-racial dudes. (She was an equal opportunity whore.)

Guess the ending to this one yet? Yup- this girl’s engaged too.

You probably all know girls and guys, exactly like this, while your best friend, who is the best person in the world, remains single because she won't date every loser that she meets.

So, here’s my theory Darwin. The way that the fittest survive has evolved, and now the people that have the genes worth sharing, are more selective in whom they share with. Thoughts?