Top 10 Things NOT to Recycle

WE are recycled. (Yeah, I’m still on this whole Charles Darwin kick.)

Nothing about the genealogy of any of us is unique, and we are all just made of bits and pieces of our ancestors- with the people amongst today being comprised of the best traits our ancestors had to offer. (according to Darwin’s theory, anyway.) Plagues, wars, plate-tectonics, and god knows what else- obviously somehow our ancestors lived through whatever horrible things happened during their lifetimes, or else we wouldn’t be here.

So. Yea, recycling is a very good thing. However, when recycling is so thoroughly ingrained into our beings, is there anytime when, dare I say it… recycling is not recommended...?

Kelly Green’s Top Ten List of Things NOT to Recycle:

1. Your friends’ boyfriends.

Come on – respect this number one rule of girl law! I’m not saying anymore more about this.

2. Tampons.

(Maybe, I can just simplify this and say anything entering/exiting your body or involving bodily fluids, should explicitly not be reused amongst people? This blanket statement could cover a bunch of pertinent stuff, like syringes, condoms, thongs, newborns, and yes- even tampons, and boyfriends.

3. Jokes.

I’m kind of on the fence about this one. I think it’s hella funny to interject humorous movie quotes and punch lines, as long as your audience generally understands that what you’re saying is not original. There was this one kid in high-school who used to always say “funny” things in conversation, only to get called out seconds later. “You totally just stole that line from Chris Rock’s stand-up.” He would sheepishly shrug and acquiesce, but the damage had been done. The seed of doubt had been planted in everyone’s minds about the validity of this kid’s jokes, and then he couldn’t get a prom date and ten years later he goes to the movies by himself. (For real, saw him there, had the awkward 30-second catch up convo where he verified he was there by his lonesome. On a Friday night.) See the correlation?

Don’t let this happen to you, kids. It’s not ok to steal jokes, but it is ok to “borrow” them. Example: [insert any line from a “Flight of the Conchords” song here]

4. Names.
Again with the stipulations. In the Jewish religion, you are not supposed to name a baby after anyone one who is still alive, as the superstition is it this would take away the person’s soul. (Or something equally bad like that.)

I agree with this idea- if you want to name your children after your dearly departed, that’s fine, but it’s weird when there are five people in a family all with the same exact name. (Sorry numerous “Johns” I love, but it is annoying!)

Case in point:

Ring ring. (in case you’re unfamiliar, that is the sound of a land-line telephone.)
“Hello?”
“Hi, can I please speak to John?”
“Um, which one?”
“John Green?”
“Ok, but which one?”

Having multiple people with the same name leads to frequent, frustrating “Who is on first” type of conversations. Parents, please get a little more creative in this department?*

*I think the current trends almost bode well for me, with “Apples”, “Seraphinas”, and “Paxs” running around, it seems parents are now trying to be as outlandish and deranged hippie-like as possible when it comes to naming their children. This is also kind of annoying in itself, but in a completely different way. And, bless Octo Mom's heart, she now has opportunity aplenty to name babies to her heart's content.

On a final note about this topic- do Apple's parents really think that the little fruit of their loins is going to be thankful for her name when she’s an adult?

5. Voice messages.
It is super lame if you always leave the same exact voice message on people’s answering systems.

You know the types.

“Hi Kelly, it’s Boring calling. It’s 6:30pm on Tuesday, Feb 10th, please call me back.”

When I see missed calls from people that I know are serial offenders of this, it makes me even less inclined than usual to listen to their voice-messages. Why waste my time going through the hassle of checking my voicemail when I can look at my “missed call” log and learn in 2 seconds exactly everything the message would have told me?

6. Food that has gone bad.
There’s a fine line between when bananas are over-ripe and perfect for baking, and when they’re nasty brown mush that are only fit to throw out. I hate hate hate wasting food, but it’s bad for your health to try and make edible dishes out of food that’s prime has expired. Use your freezer, use your common sense, use your imagination, and this never has to happen. Take care of the food while it’s good, because no one should eat your spoiled, moldy old groceries, no matter what concoctions you transform them into.

7. Cliches.
Cliches are stupid, which is why my “Top Ten” list ends here. ☺
This is also telling, as aside from these listed 7 things, there are no limits on what can be reused, recycled, and reborn.