OMG- forgot a major recycling no-no: your own romantic partners!! Granted, your friends’ exes are off-limits, but I completely overlooked the idea that YOUR OWN EX’s should be completely off-limits too! Although it’s tempting (especially with the recent passing of Valentine’s Day, and Hallmark subsequently reminding you how important it is to be paired off) to go back to someone tried and true- (you know they have the capacity to be in a relationship with you, you know you have the capacity to be in a relationship with them) you have to remember, these relationships dissolved for a reason. Probably because they were, as Dane Cook likes to describe, “relationshits.”
When I signed on to the Internet today, intent at the moment on Googling whatever random thing had popped into my mind , I was momentarily distracted by an eye-catching article on MSN’s homepage. “Romantic Mistakes We Stubbornly Repeat*.” After a Valentine’s Day spent with my grand-mother and her friends at a Pennsylvania Dutch all-you-can-eat smorgasbord, I figured this article could shed some light of a few things for me?
Although there were some good-points made, there were also some not-so good points made. To be fair though, the article was written by a dude, so he gets some points just for being so candid, in-touch, and public with his emotions. What he and I do agree on though, is that as tempting as it might be to take your ex back, do yourself a favor and remember that your ex’s are your ex’s for a reason. As a famous “Sex and the City” scribe describes, “It’s called a ‘break-up’ because it’s broken.”
Common emotional mistakes people make regarding their ex’s:
His views on Taking Them Back: You broke up with him, but even if he was a total jerk there is still a soft spot in your heart. You remember the good times, and — hey — it's not THAT fun being single. Often, we end up taking back people who have hurt us in the past or who just didn't work out. Not sure how often this works out, but doesn't it seem like we would be able to say "no"?
My view on this? You cannot recycle people, people. Again- it’s called a “break-up” because something was broken.
His views on Getting Lied to Repeatedly: Isn't it terrible when someone stays in a relationship while they are being lied to? It seems like everyone on the outside knows what's going on, but that person in the relationship believes everything to the point of blindness. In a perfect world, we'd learn from one lie, but often we think that lies are isolated incidents when in fact we could be getting lied to repeatedly.
I say, don’t we all know people who lie to themselves about being lied to??
If you personally don’t know anyone who is in a relationship where they are blatantly being lied to by their partner, just refer to popular TV shows, as it's a great, current theme. Take the silly model Alli on “The City,” who had the other woman confront her face-to-face and tell her exactly what she did with Alli's boyfriend, and yet Alli still ended up deeming the other girl a liar, and her boyfriend trust-worthy, despite the whole encounter being taped and aired for everyone to see.
What?!
I sadly, can also personally relate. I’m having massive déjà-vu right now (and am getting angry again, both at him and myself!) of the time when I received a text message from my then boyfriend, who was away at our alma-mater for a football weekend. The text read something like, “I had sex with your boyfriend last night, didn’t know he had a girlfriend until I looked at all the text-messages on his phone. I’m so sorry.” When I got my boyfriend on the phone, he denied sleeping with anyone, claimed he had no idea who would have sent something like that, and plead his innocence over and over.
“Why,” I asked him, “would anyone send a message like that to me if it weren’t true?” His answer- must have been one of his friends playing a joke on him. Haha?
Embarrassing as it is to admit this, I believed him. In retrospect, (I'm smacking myself in the forehead right now) god, I’m an idiot! But, people will believe what they want to believe.
At some point, it has to be realized that there is nothing for other people to gain by “lying” about your partner’s infidelity. Wake up, dump him, and don’t ever again waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate what they’ve got with you!
His thought on Staying With Someone Wrong For You (a.k.a. "I can change him/her"): Why do we stay with people when they are jerks, and why do we keep thinking we can change people? It's much better to be alone than to be dating a jerk. Why can't we apply that common sense?
I think, isn’t this just another way of lying to yourself?
I exist because my mother was guilty of being with someone she thought she could change. She felt badly for the childhood my father had endured, and thought that if he could only be properly loved, and see how to properly treat people, he could emerge from his cocoon of dysfunction as the butterfly husband of her dreams. After trying repeatedly, in every way she could think of, she divorced him 15 years later.
People are who they are, and don’t change. This has nothing to do with how much someone loves you, and might want to change for you- it is just impossible to change the person that people are born as.
He thinks it's a Mistake to Confuse Physical Intimacy for Emotional Intimacy: When we are in the heat of the moment, emotional closeness gets all intertwined with physical closeness. Sometimes we feel that if we can get close physically, it will eventually lead to a close emotional connection. I can say I have never gotten into anything special that was sparked by a physical connection and, believe me, I've tried. The deeper relationships grow out of a gradual emotional connection. Nevertheless, sometimes we think if we have physical intimacy, then something might come of it.
I agree, but I think from a girl's perspective- you get physically intimate with someone in the first place because you see a future with them, and want them to be who you think they have the potential to be... and basically this is all of the other mistakes compounded into one, lying to yourself, hoping to change someone... etc, etc.
The goal of having a gorgeous environment should include every aspect of your life. If you diligently recycle all of your soda cans and newspapers, while car-pooling to work every day in your Prius, and yet find yourself unsatisfied and unhappy with your love life- there are ways you can improve that aspect of your universe too.
Like everything else, it’s important to not give up, and keep on making the little changes and improvements to your life that will add-up to big time rewards. On to greener pastures, my friends! ♥
*If you’d like to read this guy’s article in its entirety with no interruptions from your green friend, please feel free to check it out at MarieClaire.com.
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