Zombie Nation

Zombies love nature! And brains!

This idea is SO not girly at all. In fact, it’s probably the opposite of girly. And, despite the fact that my favorite color is pink, and I’m 100% made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, I can’t help the fact that I also love zombies? (Does it soften the topic if every zombie mention is in a decorative font?)

Sadly, an embarrassing amount of free time is spent thinking about zombies, and how to best handle a sudden attack or infestation. (Seriously-- please don’t tell anyone this, I’m only sharing this with you because I trust you... but sometimes at work, when I'm getting a drink at the water fountain and someone walks by me, I think to myself what Iwould do if that person suddenly turned into a zombie? Would there be enough time to run away, or defend myself? In most instances, there would be no good opportunity for recourse, and I’d be a goner.) Yes, I realize this is NOT normal, but isn’t the first step to fixing a problem admitting there is a problem?

“Hi, my name is Kelly. I’m an aquaholic that thinks about zombies a lot?” (Do you think there’s any hope for me?)

Anyway, after watching Resident Evil 3 “Apocalypse” for roughly the 50th time this weekend, I found myself drawing lots of parallels between zombies and being “green.” (And I’m referring to more than just their skin tone… )

Ready for this?

Despite the semi-varying premises of zombie flicks, the constant theme (beyond brain eating) is that the zombies always win. Even though they are ugly, bungling messes with non-functioning brains-- since they act purely on their basest of instincts, they always seem to prevail over the over-analytical humans. Zombies effectively oust humans from the number #1 spot on the food chain, as humans make up a large part of their food pyramid.

In light of recent current events, zombies have more relevance than ever, as they seem like they have the potential to be the dream American citizen.

Consider:

They are like the purest of hippies, with all forms of bathing becoming nothing but a vague memory. (No need for toilet flush taxes, or water restrictions for them!)Toxic waste would stop being created, and land-fills could be left alone to rejoin nature.

Al Gore would just eat up the idea of zombies! They eat only local organic foods, never fly commercially (or, ahem, in private jets) and in fact they forsake cars and all forms of public transportation in favor of walking everywhere. They wouldn’t even blink an eye if not one drop of fossil fuel was ever used again.

The government would love them because zombies don’t think for themselves, (nor want to), and have no need or concern for their money. They could care less if their kids had good educations available to them. Their entire existence revolves around working just for food, and racking up tons of bad credit wouldn’t be an issue.

No one could ever blame zombies of being racist or sexist, as they truly consider themselves to all be equals.

It seems like zombie movies hit closer to home than any of us realized, as these movies are obviously really just cleverly disguised satires of our current social situations. I mean, come on people! If we could all just learn to act a little bit more like zombies, our government would be so much happier- and isn’t that really what we all strive for?

As usual, I could go on and on, but I am recommending to myself to stop now, as I don’t want to put any ideas in the heads of the scientists working in the U.S. equivalent of the underground (literally) “Umbrella” corporations.